Friday, 3 February 2017

His tears… #snippets of my mind 2

Hello loves welcome to snippets of my mind 2 and as you know the drill, this is the part where you get to walk with me emotionally through my brain and thinking processes as I encounter everyday life experiences. Posts in this series are full of emotion and raw. Allow yourself to drown in the emotion as we trudge through this instance with you. Happy reading.

You have been friends and hangout buddies for a while. Through A2, the anatomy class. You have experienced life together, the days of hitting stationary vehicles… the days of walking to Karura forest, not once but twice. He is the name that pops up in the worst of experiences and the best. The first person you call each morning to have that therapeutic 0500-0600hrs conversation. You would really love to experience the world with him. It would be nice if he thought so of you as well. The girl he would love to go through life with. You can see it. He wants to, but he is kinda shy. “Miss you…”you say and quickly add “guys” so that you don’t look too desperate. You miss him, you wish he could admit it as well, but he doesn’t.
So you go on with life… he is a nice guy and your best human being as it were. You realize all your experiences or at least most have him as your partner in crime: walking in the trench, eating unsliced bread, potato festival… he is entwined in your life. There is something that is interesting though, he doesn’t seem to have emotion, pretty calm guy. You agree to meet at 1100hrs and you show up at 1130hrs and he is okay with it, no anger, no excitement just him. It startles you, you have never seen such an expressionless human being. You haven’t seen much of his peoples so you give him a benefit of doubt.
You harbor dreams of seeing his expression someday, not his studious face or seasonal laugh but real emotion. You imagine that probably, he will cry on his wedding day, or you can sing an emotional song to trigger something. Perhaps you should try to make him upset, really upset. Elicit some form of reaction. None of that works, he doesn’t seem to get it.

He tells you he loves you one day, in a rather interesting conversation. You are a little startled. He said it, yes he did. You probe further, as far as you are concerned he bears no ability to be romantic, at least from your experiences. You didn’t see it coming though you noticed he was fond of you. He started to talk and open up to you. You saw the first streak of emotion in his eyes. Achievement unlocked!!

One day you get a break down and you cry… whatever is bothering you hurts so bad you couldn’t pretend it was okay. He gave you eyes of concern; he wasn’t sure whether he should touch you. He let you cry a bit and gave you shoulder to lie on. You calmed down and looked at him. He looked bothered, concerned and angry. As you relate the stress factor to him you can see him get upset… you are dead sure he can beat someone up. Another streak of emotion came through… you are beginning to see how human he is.
Then it happens. Saturday afternoon, you are chilling in the car. He looks frustrated, something is eating him up. You are not sure what it is but you can bet it’s a big deal. So after you eat lunch you get him to sit and talk about how he feels. He is a little reluctant, so you try and calm him down and make him comfortable to talk about stuff that is bothering him. (Whoever told guys that it’s manly not to talk about feelings!!) He begins to talk, you give him shoulder, pec. major to be precise. Rub his back and listen. He begins to tell his story. Then, he chokes…so you quickly glance down at him and what you see shakes you. You see it streaming down… you are confused. Then another… streaming down and his talk becoming a little obstructed.
Your first instinct is to hug him. So you do… and reach out for tissue. You wipe the tears…and more still stream down. You are tongue tied; it’s the first time you have seen him cry. He was okay crying in your presence (or he just couldn’t hold it), and that is a big deal. He just became vulnerable… and you realize how much power you have at that moment. He put himself out there just the way he was, no covers no filters. You wonder how to make him even more comfortable. Truth is nothing ever prepared you for the moment when he would cry. You don’t exactly know what to do, you just know he is here with you and needs some love.
You reflect on all the dreams that you had of seeing his true emotion. You remember how badly you wanted to see it, maybe not quite in this way but you have it now. He looks up at you, quite embarrassed, he cried. You smile down at him and mumble that its okay. You wipe the rest of his tears and stare at his face. He is quite something! A catch you got. You smile silently and rub his back.

You realize that he is human, as human as you thought him to be. In fact more human than you thought. He is vulnerable as well and that makes him special. He chose to be vulnerable to you and that is a big deal. You then realize you mean a lot to him, and he trusts you as well. You smile and squeeze his hand tighter. You can’t wait to experience e more of this human version of him.

love and light

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