Sunday, 9 August 2015

Habit V

Heyyyy lovely people,
Just incase you missed our last post in the breakup  up trilogy, I shall link it hereOtherwise I hope you are awesome!!! thanks for reading too. on to this post...

Ever had that one secret thing or habit that you wouldn’t want someone to find out? Yeah… supposing someone found out would you wish to die or something? Well I had one of those. Now here is the thing… the thought of someone finding out is scary….very scary (funny how sometimes we are scared of fellow mortals finding out and yet GOD who is able to judge us already knows). The feeling literally leaves your stomach in very tight knots. I had always thought about how bad it would be if someone found out, so I sealed it and buried it in the deepest grave (or is it under the sea), in a place that was fool proof (or so i thought) and I was confident about it, especially that its ghosts wouldn't show up.

Having a best friend is good, in fact a very awesome idea. These (or this) friend(s) are your friends for a reason. Probably because they admired your character, or style or simply you have something they need. So they bear this perspective of you (which sometimes you don’t know) which you feel that you must not disappoint. So you feel so pressured. Sometimes it’s even easier to tell someone we don’t know about our bad habits and or problems than the very people we ought to be free to share our problems with. I actually managed to struggle with my habit single handedly without looking like I was struggling or raising eyebrows. B and I would chat, pretty normal stuff.

I was getting more comfortable though, he seemed to be really nice. It had been a minute since I got comfortable with anyone. He was crazy just like me, saw the world from my perspective, we shared the same shoe size, we listened to the same kind of music I mean, what more could anyone want. I was caught up in this ‘we are similar’ moment, and enjoying it yaani. The problem was anytime I would think about my secret I would shudder like a million times and quickly bury it, we had to be perfect, a perfect couple. If you have been brought up in a typical Seventh Day Adventist church background, you know that marriage troubles the members’ (of the church) minds possibly more than the Imminent Second Coming of Jesus Christ. Let me explain this a little further, you see when you are at the age considered ripe for dating, what was initially your business becomes everyone’s’ business. Everyone wants to know your boyfriend, where he comes from , his tribe etc, this is notwithstanding the fact that ever since you hit  puberty they have been drumming ideas into your head of “how far is too far” and how “you shall not be unequally yoked with unbelievers” and how “husbands are acquired in church”. If you are a girl they probably also told you that you are a queen, so you deserve certain things and you should present yourself in a certain fashion to attract the ‘right’ person and how you should be found and not find him, and how you learn to cook to attract him. When you strike this age though, people begin to match make, criticize your apparent choice due to various factors that of course be fit their criteria of choice of future spouse. Woe unto you if any of your parents belonged to an apparent clique or a church office; you certainly will know no peace. Stories will be told, rumors spread and all forms and sorts of storytelling. Keeping these factors in mind, my secret had to stay intact; I mean who wants to be the talk of a multitude of witnesses.

The problem was, I was getting too comfortable. He was breaking my seemingly strong defense boundary (much without knowing).  I did like him, actually no, love him. He was more than just the best friend he was threatening to be a part of my future, which means, he would have to know. I couldn’t stand this thought. I tried to fight it off, but I couldn’t, it had a bearing on us, he just had to know. So the strategy had to be laid in place. 
Step 1: let him read my diary and watch out for signs, any change of reactions, perspectives and views would lead to suspension of the plan until a later time. 
Result: He read, well, it was pretty much coded so he just managed a summary of “his best friend liked him”. phew!

Step 2: talk it out! This step was hard, there was no short cut. It helped though that he had read my journal, so I’d just have to decrypt it. The problem was I didn’t know how he perceived me or how high up I was in his list, for one I know I was the girl with biblical knowledge and solutions, and I was about to disappoint him. At least I had admitted I liked him so yes! I decided that I would make it so dramatic that when I let it out, he would just breathe out as opposed to choke. Date was set Saturday afternoon or evening after church.

So Saturday I’m still debating whether I should change the story, then I decided, to  go on with step 2. That afternoon came by so fast, I didn’t believe it. There it was, he asked me where I preferred to sit and talk, I told him that we should sit in the car. What is usually a 100 meter stretch to the parking lot felt like 0.2mm. He let me lay on his shoulder and asked me to talk when I was ready. So I began (sema beating about the bush) history, genealogy, chemistry, and when there was no more to say I quickly said it in passing.
The reaction was funny. All he said was “hiyo tu?”in swahili (“only that?”). Nobody knows how relieved I was, like what I thought was a deal breaker was really nothing. It didn’t stop there; turns out he had a similar struggle earlier… ( it was my turn to look at him like “huh really?”). So I had really made an assumption of who he was and he had done the same. So here we were, two severely misjudging and misjudged human beings…..

Ps: from then on I just look at everyone like they are normal, and capable of anything. I don’t feel a need to judge someone based on their apparent personality or fa├žade.
ION: all that while I was thinking I was the master of facades well guess who was proved wrong!
                             -her


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